So I've had a few comments that people really enjoyed the tone of the first couple entries we made. You know, the emotional, touchy-feely ones from us, the ones that let you into our oft too-fragile frame of mind.... Apparently you'd like more along those lines. (Saps.)
Well, I have to say, it's so much easier to write of the banal day-to-day stuff than it is to write that vulnerable stream-of-conscious journaling type stuff. Do you realize how much self-editing I have to do (with my perfectionist tendencies)? It kind of defeats the purpose of stream-of-consciousness.
And do you honestly realize just how many people we've given this link to??? Oy veh. I have to think to myself, Do I really want our five readers perusing this?!?!
But what's the point of a blog journaling our experience if we don't really let you know what we're experiencing. So here goes.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Many of you have said, "You must be dying to meet your son, to wrap your arms around him tightly, shower him with kisses, smother him in love and never let him go..." or variations on that theme.
Usually I just nod and say, "Yeah, it's pretty hard" or "We can't wait!"
Can I just ask you this:
How would you feel if you've just left all your friends (forever), and you're in this small sterile room in some bureaucratic office building you've never been in. You've got all your earthly possessions (all three of them) in your Spiderman backpack. In walk these people you've only seen pictures of. They smile down from their gigantor height... and go all emotional on you.
I think that would be the most selfish thing in the world (even though I may not be able to help it). But a blubbering, falling-apart female is totally not going be what he needs (who does, for that matter?). It would make a touching story. It would fill some some romanticized idealistic vision of family reunited. The problem is there never was a "united" to begin with. We're relative strangers to him (pun intended).
Lately I've been imagining what it will be like the first time we meet him. Sometimes (i.e. today) I've been figuring it will be rather subdued, for both parties. Maybe a smile and a pat on the head. Maybe no touch at all. After all, he doesn't know us.
We're the ones who have his picture memorized. (Not him.) We're the ones who have read and re-read his life story (the little we have of it). We're the ones who have used the conversion calculator countless times to figure out how many kilograms/pounds he weighs compared to the last growth status report, and how long his feet are now. We're the ones who have been praying and planning and dreaming about him since the day we first saw his little picture.
So I don't know. Maybe we'll just smile and say, "Ni Hao, Dang Yong."
And be absolutely thrilled if he just says "hello" back.